Broken souls (READER X LOKI)
by Eira laufeyson-123
Summary: READERxLOKI. You're Loki's Midgardian wife taken from the comfort of your home and dragged into the cell across from him.Odin has commanded you to be tortured and starved to punish Loki for his crimes.Will you and your marriage survive the cells or will you finally give up on him separating your broken souls? (Y/n) your name (H/l) hair length (H/c) hair.
1. The Faith

You sighed folding Loki's clothing he had been gone for a few days causing trouble no doubt. Although you didn't know where he was or what he was doing he always came back to you. You paused unless he got himself into some kind of trouble resulting in a prison cell. Odin did approve of you seeing him if such had occurred before releasing him into your care once more. Whenever these meetings did result he was never in a cell or handcuffs he abhorred the idea of you seeing him chained up and confined. In spite of Odin loathing you and the idea that Loki was so infatuated with a mortal that he could play house with you, he respected it. But not enough to give you both his blessing and marry you officially ... glancing downwards realizing you had been folding the same shirt for at least five minutes a breathy sigh crossed your lips. God, you missed him you always hated when he left you fearing one day he might not return. He did nonetheless always hide a note somewhere in the house, something you could hold onto until he returned. You had found the latest one a few days ago in one of his shirt pockets maybe that's why you were so restless in waiting for him. "Stay Strong until I return Dove -Loki." you whispered it to yourself hoping it would become a reality if you said it out loud. A hard knock abruptly snapped you out of your thoughts; you and Loki never got visitors unless it was an angry mob or kids doing a knock and dash. " I'll give you kids five seconds to run off before I use the witchy powers you think I have!" you whirled the door open to reveal palace guards standing before you, Thor would usually tell you if Loki was locked up somewhere but he must be busy. "What did he do now?" you questioned half wanting to know half not. The guards said nothing except giving you a curt nod and an outstretched hand." I assume I am to come with you?" you walked inside momentarily to grab a coat and your diary-like book full of Loki's letters not knowing what to expect this time.


	2. The Fear

Loki glanced up from his book to see Odin storm to where he was being held." it has come to my attention that your brother has you too comfortable down here." Loki rolled his eyes "I'm in a clear box unable to leave how much more imprisoned do you expect?" he spoke harshly, "Watch your tongue boy, it has occurred to me that you're forgetting this is a punishment, but I will make sure you remember." Odin growled taking a glimpse at all the furniture and books behind Loki." I am going to ensure this time around your punishment leaves a lasting imprint. "Loki narrowed his eyes "And how do you expect to do that?" "You'll see," he said gruffly before turning on his heel.

 **-Thor's third pov-**

Thor heard rapid footsteps coming his way; he couldn't help but chuckle to himself because he immediately knew them to be Sif's. As soon as he turned the corner his smile disappeared. Her face was dire "What's wrong Sif?" "Thor, it's the Allfather." Thor was truly beginning to grow worried at this point, " What has he done?" her gaze intense" He's got (name) please you have to stop him." She grabbed his hand and practically pulled him into the throne room. "What has happened?" Thor demanded to know, "I have made arrangements for Loki's hure to join him in prison and put her to good use." Thor couldn't believe what he was hearing, "what has she done father?" he exclaimed, Thor enjoyed visiting (name) as much as he could she didn't have many friends being from Midgard and claiming Loki's last name as her own. He liked to think of her as a friend and a beautiful maiden. "She shall be his punishment, I intend to break his arrogant will, however, I may." he shrugged plainly, "but being there is his punishment!" Thor growled, "NO!" Odin yelled slamming his foot down causing Sif to jump, "You are too soft on him and I will not allow it any longer if this is the only way I can get it to stick I will do what I must." He barked at Thor and Sif both, "Knowing Loki he will most likely not mind one bit, it would not be the first wife he drives into the ground." Thor knew exactly who and what he was talking about, "But father you cannot put her through hel for crimes she did not commit it is not our way." a pause seeped through the room before Odin finally said, "my decision is final."

 **-Loki's Pov-**

I found myself sitting on the floor of my cell contemplating what the old man had said until I heard someone entering the room. I hardly cared but when the intruder finally came into my eye line I was horrified at what was before me. Two guards dragging an unconscious (name) into the cell across from me.

 **-loki third pov-** Loki stood promptly shouting at her and the guards demanding them to unhand her. They were either ignoring him or couldn't hear his roaring in the cell, Loki pounded on the glass barrier cursing loudly until his knuckles were exposing his bone. He was forced to watch a guard bend her trying to rouse her awake **.** Loki distinctively noticed the bruising on her hands and arms and gritted his teeth _defensive wounds_ he thought to himself feeling the blood under his skin grow hot. Loki finally understood what Odin meant he wanted this to happen ... he ordered this. " Min Vakre Kone, hold on ." he whispered to himself silently hoping they didn't put her through any more pain at his expense. She wiggled giving the guards indication she was awake, the first guard wasted no time and threw her small figure hard against the glass wall. Regardless, she picked herself up and glanced over at the glass, Loki knew she couldn't see him by the way she looked right past him. The second guard snickered "she's a tough little hure isn't she?" Loki could feel his breathing becoming irregular he saw the determination and knew the guards did too... They were going to break her.


	3. The Pain

**-recap-** _She wiggled giving the guards indication she was awake, the first guard wasted no time and threw her small figure hard against the glass, she picked herself up and glanced over at the glass, Loki knew she couldn't see him by the way she looked right past him. The second guard snickered "she's a tough little hure isn't she?" Loki could feel his breathing becoming irregular he saw the determination and knew the guards did too... They are going to break her._

She winced as she stood but the faith in her eyes never faltered "I am (name) wife to Prince Loki of Asgard and rightful king of Jotunheim, I've been through worse." The first guard took a step towards her " we'll have to change that won't we?" his sneer was the ugliest Loki had ever seen "Your so-called husband is nothing but an unwanted piece of swine all-father graciously took in." her stance faltered for a second but she put her brave face right back up, "You watch your tongue before I cut it out." she muttered right in his face. At any other moment, Loki would have been proud but not when he was in such a position that he cannot protect her from what was going to come if she kept mouthing off. Loki had been tortured many many times in his life since he was a god he had a high pain tolerance and typically got used to it, (name) however did not understand the severity of what they could do to her mortal body if she did she didn't show it. She was most definitely spitting out empty threats her kindness and hopeful outlook was one of the things that drew him to her, she didn't have one bad bone in her body. loki had tried to teach her self-defense to no avail. he had just gotten her to carry around a dagger with her at all times for safety. "don't worry" the guard taunted "I'll show you what a man feels like " he seized hold of her hands guiding them to his crotch. Loki grimaced in disgust already making up in his mind that as soon as he was released he would end both their lives in the most horrible way he can imagine, no sooner had he grabbed her had she sent a swift kick to his groin causing him to fall to his knees. She kneed him rapidly to the head knocking him unconscious, now Loki had the right to be proud she had been listening to his lessons and actually used it. Without warning, Loki watched as fear, regret, and disappointment flooded to her eyes she reached down to see how badly he was hurt but before she could the second guard snatched her up and slammed her on the ground forcibly. "do not get up please, dove." Loki whimpered in a hushed tone as if she could hear him. She attempted to push herself up with shaky arms only receiving the reward of a swift kick to the chest, Loki clasped his hands over his head he had to stop this he had to... By the time the guard was done with her she wasn't moving and scarcely breathing he backed away slowly telling her she asked for it and he had his orders. He dragged his partner out of her cell securing her inside it before he went in search of healers.

 **-your pov-**

Your eyes cracked open like it was the first time you had ever seen the light you recoiled back into the blanket of darkness once again using slow blinks to adjust to the environment. Attempting to sit up a lightning bolt like jolt ripped through your body causing you to retch uncontrollably forcing your stomach to convulse in such a way it only made you want to vomit more. Your head was spinning from your spot on the floor the dizziness overtook you coercing you to shut your eyes one more time. you knew you had to force yourself to stand, at least enough to make it to the bed nothing was more vile and pitiful than lying in a pool of your own vomit. Using your arms to do a strange scoot across the floor trying to move literally anything else as minimally as possible. Once you reached the bed after five minutes of pathetic scooting you pushed yourself up forgetting how heavy your body was you collapsed on the soft plush bed but it could be because your standards for comfort were extremely low right now, sleep your body seemed to shout sleep. you relaxed into the thought of rest letting it overcome your body from head to toe like a wave you didn't know what would happen tomorrow so you would sleep today.


	4. The agony

**-your pov-**

You woke up to the sound of scrubbing and humming faintly coming from the corner behind you. Your weary eyes trailed the part of the room you could see without moving. There was a small black table with a matching chair and rags sitting atop them. You decided to roll over to see who the calming hums were coming from rather than loath in self-pity. Deciding it would be smarter to turn all at once rather than draw it out you used your arms to push yourself over. Almost regretting it immediately you held yourself together with deep breaths and limited movement to calm down. Staring at the corner of the room a girl looked to be cleaning the floor her hair was a reddish orange color with thick curls. You framed your lips to say excuse me but nothing came out only wheezing and coughing that shook you to your core. She turned towards you instantly her face not impressed at all, "you were not supposed to be awake." she grunted looking at you in disbelief. "S-Sorry." you stuttered out impressed you could even form words and disgusted that you sounded like a baby. She dropped her rag coming towards you swiftly "I'm Sigyn, I will be the person who cleans after... "Her voice trailed off in such a way you couldn't hear her. "I'm (name)" you replied hoarsely, "I know who you are" silence overcame the room you didn't know if she was a friend or an enemy. "Can you sit up?" she asked sweetly, "I can try but it hasn't worked so Far." you answered straining to raise your body upwards. She helped to guide you gingerly saying to go slowly, you listened but it didn't help the throbbing agony that was all over. "Raise your dress." She demanded, tugging at the hem of your dress." why would I do that?" you whispered meekly not wanting to raise your arms. "So I can help out, now hurry up before a guard comes." she started pulling it over your head with your help it soon littered the floor. "how bad is it?" she looked up at your face tearing it away from your body "a few broken bones for sure, the bite marks seem to be-" "bite marks?" you blurted out "no I don't have bite marks I was beaten sure but no one bit me at all ." she frowned pulling some ointment from her satchel "maybe you just didn't remember or blacked out, they are quite fresh ." this made you look down at your breasts, she was right there were deep bite marks all over them... you were wearing a blue bra and green panty set when you left with the guards you remembered distinctly because you had just got them. Looking around the room there wasn't a scrap of fabric but your dress on the ground next to Sigyn. "Was my underwear on the floor when you came?" in desperate need on an answer, she shook her head "just the vomit I cleaned ... I'm so sorry." She was adding one and two together like you were doing " let me see my dress." you demanded out stretching a hand she picked it up and placed it in your hand hastily stepping back. You saw a big blotch of dried blood on the back of the dress, you wanted to assume it was from the beating you received but it was on the back of the dress and much too low for it to come anywhere else than your womanhood."(name) speak what you're feeling the silence is causing me to worry." you met her eyes " it's fine it's probably just that time of the month ." you shot her an ungenuine smile. You knew it wasn't but pretty lies felt safer than the reality. Your body betrayed your lips and began shaking involuntarily "its fine really." you insisted, your lips quivering as much as the rest of you. Sigyn said nothing instead she took off her coat covering you in it securely before she held your hand allowing you to cry silently. Not one word was shared but it wasn't needed "I have to go before my duties go unfinished I promise I'll return with new clothes, rest, the ointment will help you feel less pain." she said in a low voice placing a small jar in your hand, you didn't even have the motivation to even thank her you just kept staring at the white floors. She picked up her bucket, rag, and your blood-stained dress scurrying out the door.


	5. the hopelessness

**-Your pov- -two months later-**

You stared blankly at the ceiling of your cell, you couldn't remember the last time you felt happiness or any feeling for that matter. You couldn't even remember how much time has passed since you were placed here; in fact, you didn't know what day or time it was. The only person that was keeping you sane was Sigyn, she snuck in as much as she could bringing food that wasn't rancid or maggot infested. Providing light conversation that made you feel a little normal even if it is just for a moment. You had gotten used to the constant humiliation and violation at this point it felt like you were only existing not living. You had tried to express to the guards that you didn't know where Loki was or what he was planning but they either didn't care or weren't looking for him. An exhale crossed your lips you hadn't seen any sign of Sigyn for a while and the guards haven't come into your cell for the day yet. As stupid as it sounds you actually would rather them being in here doing unthinkable things than sit alone with your thoughts. Being alone brought out the memories...The numbness of it all... the empty feelings but the regret is what you hated the most. The what-ifs that left you wondering how much better your life would have been if you never met Loki. If you had never seen the pain his eyes held maybe you wouldn't have tried to settle the fire behind them. Maybe you would be better off without him, was his love even worth it? Sometimes you cannot distinguish if you're his wife or his caretaker. Soaking up the emotional weight off his shoulders then him leaving to do whatever he wants or desires not caring how it might affect you and your safety. You hated to think about things like that especially now more than ever if you released the one hope that is holding you together you would never recover. The hope that Loki would come and fix you he would tell you that you're ok and that he's here now whispering in your ear that you're safe and he'll make it all better like he always does. In a way, you were both each other's caretaker trying to pick up the pieces that weren't your own. When Loki comes back he'll fix all of it your desire of him holding you were greater than the resentment you held right now. Footsteps approached your cell; you didn't have to look at who it was to know what was coming. The guards were very routine about their punishment, it starts out in mocking or teasing sometimes they would eat mouth-watering food in front of you to obtain a reaction. Then it got more physical usually whips or belts were used when you wouldn't allow yourself to be their submissive. The bribery came in suite promising food and other luxuries if you had some "fun" with them, some days it was more tempting than others but you would never stoop so low to be someone's whore unless you were forced. Which they obliged to in anger that you declined their offer, the younger one wasn't as confident as the older guard he just watched the first few times but soon joined in the activities. You were sure he was the first one to violate you anyway so what did it matter? They could take you as many times as they pleased and no harm would come of it Odin did order them after all. You pulled off the dress Sigyn had washed and returned to you preparing for the events of this night or day if you were lucky you would black out from fatigue instead of pain being as it was the only way you got to sleep. The footsteps got closer prompting you to sit uncomfortably on the bed in wait for their owners to appear before you. You stared at the reflection of yourself in the one-way glass, the dark circles around your eyes were tragic and your eyes seemed dimmer and dimmer every day. Your hair was longer than it was before draping your bruised body in the (h/c) wadded up eyesore, you longed for a comb or a brush but at this point, scissors would suffice. The cell opened reveling your oppressors grinning from ear to ear the younger one whistled while the older one remarked, "well look at this she's all ready for us." He was already unbuckling his belt to drop his pants, a dull smile fell across your face you wanted to die. There was no foreseeable end to this, the hopeful thoughts of Loki and Sigyn disappeared when you were faced head-on with impending gloom, maybe if you provoked the older one he would finally snap and end your suffering. The false smile growing larger as they approached you fully exposed, digging deep you retrieved the snarkiest voice you could muster "tsk, could you at least punch me in the head a few times first? When my eyes are almost completely swollen shut and I have a head injury that pitiful excuse for a member looks scarcely bigger than a vagina." you watched smugly as anger contorted his features and his face turned red like a pepper "I'll show you!" he almost screamed at you breaking off one of the wooden chair legs hastily coming towards you threateningly. For once a small genuine smile passed your face for a split second before everything went dark.

 _You felt your body being lifted onto someone's shoulders your eyes wouldn't open even if you bothered to try but something about this smell was familiar the savory scent. Leading it's way to your only working nostril...Thor, you deduced before you slipped back into unconsciousness for the last time._


	6. The Lies

**TRIGGER WARNING -SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND UNDERTONES-**

 **-Thor's Pov-**

 _I had his orders to stay away from where she and Loki were being held and it had been two months since she was placed there. The only thing keeping me from storming down there that very second was that I knew how adamant the Allfather was about this and I wouldn't be able to get her if I was exiled._

"Father," I said after pacing back and forth "It has been two months with constant torment and little to no food." I denounced loudly, "Must she suffer anymore?" I could see the scold on his lips no doubt he was getting ready to condemn me, "She is being-," An orange-haired servant rushed into the room and spoke something in his ear before he could finish his thought. His face was unreadable when the servant backed off and dashed back out the door," go get her and take her to the healers, her cleaner has brought to my attention that she isn't moving." No sooner was that sentence said was I running out the door but not before getting a better glimpse at the servant _Sigyn._ Without warning, I gripped her arm and dashed down the halls pulling her along with me until we stood at the door that leads to the cells. "What happened?" I growled still towing her down into the dark moist cells. "I don't know," she exclaimed, "I went to her cell to bring some food and a few books but she was lying on the ground and not moving there was so much blood so I went to get help!" Sigyn took the lead since she did know where her cell was but I wasn't quite sure about her motives with (name)."And what were your intentions with her," I barked picking up the pace "were you angry at her for the downfall of you and Loki?" Her face had such a look of disbelief on plastered on it, "You think I did this? Of course I'm mad at Loki but not her, we're friends she didn't even know who I was and it was nice having a friend for once." Out of nowhere, there were loud shouts and curses of someone yelling (name's) name it was Loki of course but his screaming motivated us to dart faster into her cell. Once I made it to the barks the fearful scene laid out before me was horrifying Loki looked like a maniac his hair was frizzy and longer, his eyes were red and insane looking everything around him was destroyed including his body there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he didn't harm himself. Just like Sigyn had said (name) was lying face down on the ground is a small area of blood but most of it was adorning the walls. A bloody chair leg lay beside her and one of her arms was outstretched covered by her (h/c) hair. I leaned down and checked her pulse it was weak but she had one, lifting her body gently placing her head on my shoulder "She has a pulse!" I announced knowing my little brother would be grateful for the news. "I will take her to the healers; no harm will come to her again." I lifted her in my arms moving to the exit. "No harm should have ever come to her." he replied sternly, I scanned my deteriorating brother seeing the toll this took on him he looked like death. Odin had succeeded, "I agree with you brother," I said walking out of the room with (name) Sigyn followed her eyes downcast like she was scared to look Loki in the eyes or speak to him. I can't fix everyone's problems my first priority is (name) and will be for a while, they can have their unspoken problems as much as they desire to.

 **-Your pov-**

You woke up to the sound of birds chirping and sunlight streaming into the room a luxury you have not had in a long time. Slowly did your eyes open revealing a quaint modest room looking down at yourself you found clothing you didn't remember wearing but to be fair you didn't remember much. The ringing in your ears was excruciating you held your hand up to your head and shut your eyes. The sounds came flooding back as did the rest of the feelings of your body before you could even adjust to the feelings, surroundings, and questions you heard a girl enter the room. You had never seen her before but she looked like a healer of some sort once she saw you were awake she tore out of the room calling out to Thor. You sunk back into the soft pillows even if you had slept you felt so emotionally exhausted that you just wanted relief an escape ... freedom. There was just a feeling of despair and loneliness you couldn't describe it if someone asked, it was like a hollow feeling that resided inside you. Thoughts of death were blurred with rest and relaxing it felt like your soul was numb and broken trapped inside a half-empty vessel. "You're awake." a kind smile came from Thor's face, he moved closer to your bed and sitting in the chair beside you. "am I?" you asked dully turning your head to look out the window." how long have I been asleep?" your hoarse barely audible voice made you cringe but Thor understood. "Three days," he replied kindly "I'm glad you're awake now I was worried when we found you like that." the realization surged in "you were the one who got me?" you asked looking at him through dim eyes. "well, Sigyn told me where you were she found you and I took you to get medical attention." you didn't know how his voice was so serious but light at the same time but either way it nauseated you. "I wanted to die," you said so plainly that Thor was at a loss for words "I want to fucking end it, I could never do it myself so someone else doing it was my best bet." the ice in your voice was a bit much but you couldn't be bothered to soften it you were being honest."(name) don't say that, please it's over now and I won't rest until you're ok." A pinch of emotion hit you, Thor, was so happy to see you and now you made him worry more, you made him feel what you were feeling you didn't want to make anyone else feel like this. You forced a false smile "I'm sorry Thor I won't die I promise." He didn't look too convinced but you decided to take it one step further "I'm not ok but I'm sure I'll find a way to be if you're there." you slipped your hand in his you could tell this reassured him even if it was just a lie.

 ** _That's what you were now apparently, a liar._**


	7. The Devotion

_You forced a false smile "I'm sorry Thor I won't die I promise." He didn't look too convinced but you decided to take it one step further "I'm not ok but I'm sure I'll find a way to be if you're there." you slipped your hand in his you could tell this reassured him even if it was just a lie._

 _ **That's what you were now apparently, a liar.**_ _\- story recap_

 **-Thor's Pov-**

Her hand was small in mine so delicate and soft I didn't want to release it but I also did not wish to make her uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form. She didn't seem to be in any rush to retract her hand from mine which I must say I was grateful for. "Thor," she called delicately tilting her head upwards and looking at me. "Hm?" I replied taking my eyes away from her hand and meeting her gaze "I don't know where he is." she whimpered faintly, "where who is?" I asked in a confused voice. "Loki, I don't know where he is so the whole torture thing was pointless." a knot tightened in my stomach _she thought we were looking for Loki and that's why she was tormented_. Grasping the image of that I spoke knowing full well it was something she didn't want to hear "(name)... Loki is in custody." She instantly retracted her hand pulling it close to her chest "what does that mean?" her voice so painfully raw I didn't want to answer. "Thor, then why would your father put me down there I don't understand." I pressed my lips into a fine line trying to form the right words, "You were his punishment (name)." it came out more straightforward than I would have hoped her expression was tense and dark possibly from the discomfort of her body that she awoke to. "what does that mean I still do not understand." her (h/e) eyes pleaded with my blue ones begging for a better answer than she would receive. "He made him watch." I said woefully watching as she turned callous and stiff once more. "Do you know what they did?" she said barely audible staring blankly at the wall straight ahead. "I know vaguely from what the healers told me of your condition but no I do not strictly know." she finally turned her head to face me but her lifeless gaze felt like she was looking through me. "I need to see Loki" she parted back the bed covers to stand, "(Name), please you just woke up and your body is still mending you most likely cannot stand." she shook her head forcefully, "I have to he'll be so worried and you don't understand how he gets I have to tell him I'm ok, please Thor." she begged me, as much as I didn't want to say no to her I knew for her own health I would have to. "(name)," I started "you need to worry about your own health and emotions, not Loki's, the healers managed to put you in a coma-like state so your body could heal on the inside and give it the rest it needed. But you will still feel all the pain from everything including what the healers mended, I'm looking out for your own well-being and I will not allow you to see him for the time being." My voice sounded strict but I had no intention of wavering on this she needed to come to terms with what has happened. "Ok, I'll listen." an answer I was not expecting from her at all, she put up so little resistant it was scary. "Thor?" she called to me in a solid voice, "yes (name)?" her lips parted in an odd laugh "food, can I have food?" My cheeks turned a deep shade of red that should have been the first thing I offered her instead of getting wrapped up in her touching me. "Of course!" I shall find a nurse to watch you while I'm gone." I think she understands I do not trust her alone with herself our conversation was so grim and dark I would be a fool too. I stood placing my hand on the doorknob getting ready to depart. "Thor," she called once more rolling my name off her tongue sweetly. I returned to face her at the foot of the bed urging her to finish the thought "could you find the book I came with? It's brown with my name on it I had it in my coat pocket but I don't know where the guards placed it. It would really make me happy to see it again." I placed a happy smile on my face making her give me one also, "then I will not stop until I find It." her smile widened and seemed more natural than all the other ones I had seen. "Thor, when you come back could you... stay with me? I do not wish to be alone anymore especially with someone I don't know." I took three large steps until I was beside her again bending over to give her an innocent kiss on the forehead. "Then I will move with haste and never leave your side." with a promise I intended to keep I left her with a petite nurse in search of her book and food.

 **-note: YAY! really happy I finally hammered out this chapter I went through some writer's block and posted one I didn't quite here is one I'm actually proud of and can present, I was going to back away from Reader and Thor's relationship and do one with Sigyn's pov but it wasn't as interested in it. Hopefully, this odd relationship becomes more established before I move to Sigyn and Reader's relationship. I honestly never intended to make a chapter with Sigyn's Pov but it might happen to show what she thinks of you and feels for you etc. Anyway thanks for reading up to here and sticking with the story I'm still trying to figure out the direction this will go but hopefully, it's always worthy of you the reader. Until the next chapter- Eira**


	8. The Failure

**-Loki's Pov-**

"Her screams echoed in my mind, the cries of her calling out to me begging me to help her and return to her. I failed her, the one person I promised I would never disappoint needed me and I was not there. She would not have been in this situation if not for me and my undeniable love for hatred, I have searched for animosity any attention that I could receive negative or not. I have felt her love and forgiveness of all I have done throughout our company; it never ceased to impress me how she could rest easy besides an admitted monster. I have never been worthy of anything, not the throne, not Odin's affection and certainly not her. I thought possibly if I received as much hatred as I could manage I would come close to being worthy of her kind looks and small smiles. That maybe if I protected her, gave her what little love I am capable of and never broke a promise to her It would be more believable that I deserved her. I could hear her heartbreaking, though underneath her heartbreak was the disappointment I compelled upon her. I failed the one person in all the nine realms that was still proud to be by my side, would she even want to see me again? Would she believe my apologies or think of me a liar as does everyone else. My ears perked up as I heard footsteps coming from the dark empty halls, A large part of me wanted it to be (name) even if it was just to see her. I truly dreaded the idea of it being her altogether the only reason she would want to see me was to officially rid her of my dead weight. Thor's long blond hair whipped around the corner his face was not the goofy annoying brother I had become so used to instead he was replaced with a grim-faced 6'3 lump of gloom. I stood making my way up to the glass as quickly as I could, "is she faring well?" The concern in my tone flared more at his long pause after my question. "She is not... she cannot be. "I couldn't bear to finish the sentence, her never wanting to see me again was one thing but her leaving this plane of existence and it being my fault was too much to bear. Thor's face lightened a bit, "(name) is still with us, and she is getting better physically." He shifted uncomfortably in front of the yellow force field like glass barrier between us, "and mentally?" I questioned yearning for a pleasant answer, " I do not know where her head is most days, she is not herself mostly." sadness clouded my features as my brows drew together, Odin did not cause this to happen I did. I placed her in danger by choosing myself over her and finally, it caused her to suffer. _Why must I destroy everything I attempt to love am I that unworthy of anything beautiful?_ "Does she want to see me?" I tried to keep my voice as toneless as possible yet I found myself trembling for an answer. I couldn't even muster the strength to form an illusion to hide behind, portraying myself more put together and everything around me not dismantled, I felt so painstakingly bare in front of my brother it made me nervous. "She does want to see you badly but I cannot allow her to see you. She needs more time for her wounds to heal and get her strength back." I hid my disappointment and fumbled out "I understand." Thor started walking towards the door his broad shoulders pushed back. "Thor, I said" to see if he was still in the room, "Yes?" he replied gruffly. "Take care of her...please." "I intend to." he replied simply letting the door slam shut again leaving me in the darkness once more

 **notes: hey! Thanks for reading up to here, if you have been following the story I'm sorry for not uploading yesterday something came up. As for this chapter, it was very hard to write because I wasn't feeling very inspired but I hope that didn't translate into my writing. I was planning to make two chapters today to get back on schedule but I don't know if I will. Please tell me if you were uninteresting or disliked the chapter so I can take the feedback and make a better / longer one. - Eira**


	9. The Loyalty

**-Thor's Pov-**

I walked with purpose throughout the corridors to arrive in the palace kitchen, my brief meeting with my brother left a sour taste in my mouth. I choose to see him out of the kindness in my heart and place his mind at ease even implying she has been awake longer than she really has. He'll still worry but he deserves to worry, he deserves to stay down there and rot a concept I have formed after seeing (name) and how totally changed her personality is. I doubt I will tell her I went and saw Loki that would just give her something negative to focus on when she needs to focus on pleasant thoughts. The golden wallpaper illuminated as I trailed my finger on it, now that the first part of my endeavor was done I had to place a food order sent to her room, find her book and find the guards who were in charge of her in the cells. "Thor!" I heard someone shout my name I rotated on my heel to see my confronter. Sif jogged towards me out of breath and her face flushed, "What seems to be the matter?" her mouth curved into a smile while she turned to walk by my side. "I haven't seen much of you in the training arena or around the stables," her hand slid into mine confidently, "I miss you blondie." I had to force myself not to laugh and instead, I replied with " Well (name) has just awoken and I am not yet comfortable leaving her alone for a long period of time." Sif huffed blowing air out of her nostrils "yes but she was asleep for a while and I did not even see you then." "I needed to watch over her condition," I began to say as I turned my head to face her, "you're more than welcome to accompany me as I get some tasks done." her entire face brightened as she squeezed my hand and accepted the invitation. "Where are we off to?" she said matching my pace, "The palace kitchen then the guard's quarters to collect an item and, "I paused my thought I had originally planned to ask (name) specifically what they had done rather than rely on the vague tale of her injuries from the healers . But I opted to not introduce the morbid conversation after the previous one, her body language and the state we found her in spoke volumes. Enough for me to decide that her guards will be punished whether I have to do it myself or not "and execute two guards." I announced finally finishing my sentence. "Execute," she repeated, "You have orders from the Allfather to kill two guards?" "No." "Then how the hel do you think he will allow it?" I raised my hand in front of her face causing her to stop talking" lecture me after I arrange food sent to (name)." Sif groaned while we pushed open the door to the kitchen. The cooks typically disliked visitors near meal times hovering over them although, they will take requests and if you need something late at night there will be someone to assist you in cooking for yourself. I scanned the bustling kitchen in search of a chef or someone I required though I could not see much with the mass of moving bodies and food being carried about. I spotted Sigyn setting down a large bucket of water and wiping her brow before lifting it again, I did not dislike Sigyn but I also did not trust her with (name) or her motives with Loki. She noticed us standing there and placed the bucket on a countertop making her way over to us. She wiped her hands on her apron before smiling and waving at us, "Is there any way I can be of assistance prince Thor, Lady Sif? Sif furrowed her brows and turned to regard me, "I shall wait for you in the hallway." the door swung behind her leaving me and Sigyn inside the kitchen. "Sigyn you need not address me formally, "I noted, "but I do require food sent to (name's ) room." her ears perked up "She's awake, how is she doing?" before she granted me the time to answer she nervously averted her eyes from mine, " I'm sorry I'll be sure to have someone send some food up to her room right away Prince Thor." she scrambled to find a cook and get as far away from me as possible. _Well, that's finished_ I thought to myself leaving to find Sif in the hallway but noticing that she was not there. I heard loud voices coming from somewhere close so I decided to investigate further by walking towards it. Sif was standing arms crossed with an eyebrow arched at two guards one was a bit older and one was significantly younger. Sigyn had mentioned while (name) was asleep she saw (name's) guards once or twice in passing and said one was older and tall but I couldn't be sure this was them. The younger guard's eyes seemed like they were nailed to the floor while the older one seemed quite confident with his chest puffed out and his eyes were sharp. "What have I missed?" I spoke to Sif, "These guards seem to be missing most of their uniform." her eyes were directed to the younger guard who was missing his helmet, shield and his cape. "What is your name," I demanded to know but he kept his eyes down and did not reply. "You'll have you excuse him your highness the boy hasn't dropped his rocks yet if you know what I mean." the older guard crudely remarked smacking the boy hard on the back with booming laughter. This seemed to annoy the boy because he pressed his lips together and lifted his head to look at him, "but I did what you said about the gir-" the older guard slapped him across the head causing him to be silent "the boy is confused he isn't wrapped too tight." Sif rolled her eyes and spoke, "I do not remember training you are you new?" the young boy shook his head "no ma'am we were assigned to the ce-" he received another slap across the head and a finger in his face. "My apologies Lady Sif we were just going to get the rest of his uniform from the barracks." "Oh, Thor didn't you need to retrieve something from there?" Sif queried, "Actually yes, do you two know who was in charge of the cells this past month I believe the maiden who was down there had something of great importance." There was something about these two I did not like maybe it was the older one's crudeness or the younger ones inability to speak for himself but regardless it was a bad aura. "What is your name?" I repeated to the younger one, "Ian." he whispered, "what did you leave your highness." the older one added. "A notebook it says (name) on its front." The older guard's whole demeanor changed instead of puffing out his chest he was rubbing the nape of his neck oddly. "I've seen it," the younger guard remarked, "with a blue coat right?" "That's the one, I would like to have it as soon as possible." the young boy bent down like he was pulling something out of a pouch by this ankle, "here you go your highness, a maid found it and did not know where to return it nor did we." I got my hand on the cool brown leather and tracked my fingers over her name embroidered on the book. "You are excused." I asserted letting them pass by me, "Are we still going to the barracks?" Sif said watching them leave. "No, I will deal with that another day I have gotten what I need." "ok, but don't you think it is a little suspicious how he just happened to have that." she replied pointing to the book while we started to walk back from where we came "I find it highly suspect but I am in no mood to jump to conclusions just yet. I shall be content with just having (name's) notebook for the time being." This, however, was not completely the truth I was planning to keep my promise to (name) and stay by her side but I was most definitely going to look into Ian and his older friend there was just something I did not trust about them. "May the gods be on your side, Thor," Sif said indicating she had to leave my company" I must get to training be sure to give (name) my best regards." With a wave and a wink she was gone leaving me to find my way back to her chambers. I approached the door a smile automatically coming to my face preparing for how excited she shall be when I present her notebook. I craved her infectious grin and bright eyes welcoming mine, even with her chipped nails, bed-head, blemished and bruised skin, with chapped lips she was still the most radiant presence in any room. My hand gripped the door handle fully prepared to spend every waking moment trying to please the admirable Midgardian maiden on the other side.


	10. -Eira updates-Apology-

**apology- Hey guys, I was just working on a new chapter and I received a message saying that the sender could not understand the first chapter. This prompted me to read it myself and I was really shocked to find words missing, run-on sentences, fragments, missing periods etc. etc. And on top of all that I knew what I had written was correct. I have a wattpad under this name and write Broken Souls there then copy-n-paste it here I have noticed that when I paste it here and publish it words go missing and the grammar just goes awry. This is why I read it before and after I post chapters but I must not have done that on the first chapter. To all of the people who have been following the story since the first chapter, I'm so sorry for that and would recommend you go back and re-read it and see if it makes more sense or you if haven't seen that version. And if you notice any incorrect grammar or if the writing just seems inconsistent, please be sure to send me a message 9 times out of 10 it will be pasted or posted incorrectly.-Eira**


	11. The Return

**-TRIGGER WARNING-SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND TENDENCIES-**

 **Super long chapter to make up for missing the update times. 3**

 **-Your Pov-**

You idly listened as the small nurse droned on about court customs, Palace, and general customs, Hygiene, Meal times and clothing. You could see she was trying to get you more prepared for being in court and around royals but you really just wanted to say that you didn't give one solitary fuck and go to sleep. Thor wasn't exaggerating when he said you would feel every ounce of discomfort possible between that and this goddamn woman's ear-piercing voice you were getting extremely annoyed. You had to focus on something else or you were sure you would start screaming your head off. Surveying the room you decided to actually take the time and examine where you were. The large window or door leads out to an enticing balcony with a view of the enormous palace garden. On the balcony was a large blood red curtain you could release with seating and tables also outside. While inside the room everything was large, the bed you were laying in had golden arches with four sheer white curtains that were contained with ivory colored rope. All the details on the bed and walls were captivating to sit there and stare at but so was everything else in the room. There were two nightstands on both sides of the bed one near two armchairs facing each other in a small sitting area. The nurse was sitting in a regular wooden chair pulled up to the side of the bed you were sitting on just like Thor had been previously. Behind her was a wooden door to what you assumed was a bathroom, something you could really use right now was a bath. Being in a coma for three days and a prison before that didn't quite offer things like hygiene or privacy. "Bath, I would enjoy that." you said in a quiet voice, "Would you like to go to the public baths?" she squeaked out. You were shocked she would even think that was an appropriate question to ask you, you wanted to just write it off as ignorance of the whole situation which was fair. She mistook your shock for confusion and began to speak more, "You must not have been listening before, Here in Asgard, we partake in public baths if you are uncomfortable with your body a servant can draw you a bath in your chambers. We also do not particularly wear undergarments Slips and chemises for women, occasionally under-breeches for men _and_ women." You had a deadpan gaze on your face this was the most uncomfortable conversation you've had since you had woken up. You would much rather just ask Thor than suffer through this shit, "Thank you for all the information but I'll think it over for a bit." She beamed feeling particular smart and useful you didn't have the heart to tell her you had been in Asgard long enough to understand how baths and underwear worked. A polite knock rapped on the door to the room, you silently prayed that Thor had come back but you doubted his knocks were that light. The nurse scuffled to open the door all you could see from your spot on the bed was a woman's legs and a cart of food. "Sigyn?" you called excited to see her, the nursed moved out of the way so that the woman could push her cart into the room. You're heart sunk when you saw a non-freckly faced brunette it wasn't Sigyn just another servant in the palace. "Thank you," you said accepting the food unexcitedly, according to Unna the nurse, Asgardians do not eat or drink in their bedchambers and usually eat in the dining hall, outside, or the kitchen so you were getting special treatment. Though you didn't believe you were getting any special treatment, you couldn't stand to go anywhere else to eat and Thor would definitely not allow it. You were hungry but your urge to actually eat dissipated when the thought of chewing came in. Your jaw was sore and you would rather just sleep more than be awake that is if you could shut off your brain for that long .Unna looked like she was expecting you to start eating right away, she set two trays over your lap and made intense eye contact. You eyed your food and it did look delicious, there was what you assumed to be deer meat, butter, cheese, rolls, and small cakes. On the second tray, there was a large amount of bread, nuts, and fruits also accompanied by a bowl of lamb and mushroom stew. You decided the stew was a safe bet to ward off a lot of chewing, you reached to pick up a spoon but paused when you noticed that Unna did not take the knives away from you. It's not like you were going to grab it and slit your writs or anything but you could imagine yourself doing it if you were alone with your thoughts. Pushing the knives away you started to eat the food before you. It was all bland; you couldn't taste anything really not even the cakes seemed sweet to you or the meat salty. The whole point you were even eating was to fulfill your appetite plus, Thor would have made you regardless and asking for it yourself made it seem like you cared a little. "Have you finished already?" Unna said carefully choosing her words. You looked down at the trays, you hadn't even eaten half of the food and you didn't want to eat anymore but your body disagreed. "My jaw hurts a little bit so it's hard to chew but no I'm not done," you replied it was the best excuse you could think of that wasn't a lie. "Ah, yes you will be feeling that for a while," she spoke almost as if she was pleased your jaw was sore and that it was a good thing. "The food is extremely delicious, I think you undersold it when you were speaking of meals." she beamed from the compliment and started chatting on about Asgardian cuisine. You used this opportunity to force feed yourself in an attempt to ingest half of each tray, you were so wrapped up in shoveling food into your face you didn't notice Thor enter the room. It was only when Thor was standing directly in front of you and you were staring at his legs did you notice. You sluggishly raised your head to look at his lopsided grin "Hewwo," you uttered out with a mouth full of food. He heartily laughed at the sight before him "Unna thank you for your assistance and accompanying (name)," he spoke to her giving you time to swallow the food in your mouth. He then paced towards the chair she had just departed from, you patted the spot next to you in bed "sit with me," you said in a hushed tone trying your best to give him a convincing smile. After you saw his reaction to you and your suicidal tendencies you decided not to ever let anyone know what you were thinking or how you felt honestly even if that meant Thor too. He frowned immensely looking down at you "I thought you were hungry." you glimpsed back down at the trays you hadn't even managed to eat half of the food on at least one tray. You truly should eat more but the motivation was gone "The portions were bigger than I'm used to but trust me I'm more than full." He seemed to buy the story carefully siting on the other side of you and taking your trays and quite literally digging into them. "Thor," you muttered "Did you find it, if you didn't it's okay." A proud look burst across his face causing you to get a little more excited than you should. "You found it!" a squeal came out of your mouth as he presented the book letting you clutch it. Genuine joy filled you so much that you overexerted yourself leaning over and wrapping your arms around Thor's neck. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," you exclaimed into the nape of his neck, he wrapped both of his arms around you tightly making you wince but you were too happy to pull away. Thor had a distinct smell you couldn't describe it but it was a warm and comforting musk that enveloped you whole. Regardless of your labored breathing and shooting pain it was nice being held and you didn't want the feeling to end so you were very disappointed when Thor let go. "Did I hurt you?" He asked in a low husky voice, "No, I'm ok just a little sore," another one of your lies this shit hurt like Hel but you weren't a complainer. You flipped through the book franticly seeing if any pages or letters were missing when you saw that everything was as it should be you let out a sigh of relief. "Where did you find it? "You asked, "A maid had found it left somewhere he explained putting both trays back on the cart. "What time is it?" you said scooting over closer as he sat back on the bed, "early evening, why?" you gave him a bashful glance, "Do you think I could arrange for a bath?" His eyebrows shot up in surprise "Of course, you didn't even have to ask me," an awkward look was exchanged as you said, "I kind of had to." "And why is that?" he spoke back truly puzzled, "I'll need help with bathing." Thor's face turned a light shade of pink like he had just seen something scandalous. "I can help...I can ask someone...someone to help you. Maybe a servant, servant or maid. He stuttered out standing up off the bed once again, "But I need your help," God that sounded terrible you had been depending on Thor heavily but that was because he was one of the only people who was your friend and didn't try and hurt you. "I mean, with the lifting up and stuff, I'm numb from the waist down. Thor paced back and forth deep in thought until he decided to speak "But won't you be," he paused clearing his throat and rubbing the nape of his neck, "Exposed?" You started picking at your fingernails looking for something to say, this was worse than it was with Unna. "I mean, I'm wearing a night gown now and if you just lift me up and put me in it I can take if off when you're out of the room." Thor nervously laughed shifting his weight from side to side, "that makes the most sense, and I can pull someone to...ahem, prepare a bath from you now if you wish me to." You could already tell this would be a strange experience in you and Thor's friendship, "Now is perfect."

 _My god, this is going to be awful..._


	12. The Honor

**-Thor's Pov-**

This could easily have been the most intimate request I have ever received from any one of my friend maidens. I would have to comply with her, it was simple enough to do but perhaps it was how heavily she depended on me to do it was overwhelming. "I shall return momentarily," I spoke with caution, "Okay," she said not looking up from her hands. _I wonder if this is uncomfortable for her to ask... It's just a favor_. I decided to peak my head out the door, I did not wish to depart from the room again unless I am just outside of it. I viewed the hallway and couldn't see anyone but a young girl no older than 16 in human years holding a rag and a bucket. "You there, young maiden." She spun around looking behind her to see if I was really talking to her. I stepped out of the room completely shutting the door behind me my gaze never faltered from hers "are you regarding me Prince Thor?" she asked innocently keeping her distance," Yes I am, I require someone would it trouble you to fetch them?" I assumed that Sigyn would be the best person to help (name) dress and bathe seeing as they were well acquainted and a stranger might make her distressed. "Of course your highness, anything you require." the young woman swooned over me biting her lip in what I guessed a suggestive manner. "Do you know of a handmaiden who goes by the name of Sigyn? I require her to tend to Lady (name's) grooming." she snickered while setting down the things in her hands to laugh at the mention of her, "You mean fire crotch?" I was taken aback by the name, "Fire crotch?" I repeated back to her in a puzzled manner only to receive more giggles. "That is what all the servants of the palace call her, rumors say that when she and the Prince mysteriously departed it was because she went to a different realm and started a brothel. "I scolded the young girl, "You should not partake in foolish gossip it is not a noble use of your time." She dipped her head low and nodded "I am sorry, I will find her for you right away my lord. "I watched her scuffle away to find Sigyn; it was disheartening how everyone spoke of her so lowly. Not even I knew what happened between Loki and Sigyn they were inseparable for years and suddenly despised each other. There was plenty of room for rumors and gossip when neither of them felt the need to clear it up and (name) who seemed to be left in the dark about all of it. Regardless of her current emotional stability Loki had plenty of time to tell her before now. I opened the door to her room only to find her nose deep into that little book I had brought her. I wondered what was so important inside of it that she was so absorbed in her own little world. "I have sent someone to retrieve Sigyn, is that to your liking?" she eyed me from across the room and nodded, "Thank you, and I really mean it; you didn't have to do all this or help me and it truly means a lot. I know this is the first day of actually being awake but it was a nice day and you made it bearable, I'm glad you're my friend. "Her voice was feminine and small making her words feel more genuine, she didn't smile but the look in her eye inclined me to believe she wanted to. I tried to remember a quote I have heard Steve say while I was on Midgard but I could not remember it, "as such are friends required for." she looked like she did not understand what I had just said so I knew that must not have been correct, nonetheless she gave me an affirming look before returning to her book. I longed to ask what she was reading or writing inside of it but I did not wish to push boundaries after that dreadful quote. Gentle taps came on the door, Sigyn was the only being who it could be, and I believing it was her opened the door to reveal Sigyn and at least five other maids. Before I could even protest they all entered the room like a hurricane primping and preparing whatever was necessary. The next time I looked up the bathroom door was open inviting warm bathwater was in the bath along with rose petals. Since it was getting dark outside candles were lit sitting among the large vanity with brushes, combs, perfumes, soaps, and any other feminine product I had never seen. Then they all shifted to focus on (name's) wardrobe, two maids trying to get her to cooperate with undressing her and three of the rest setting clothing out for her to wear while Sigyn was still in the bathroom."Woah there is no need for all that." (Name) argued trying to fend off the two maids, "Thank you for all the help but I can handle it from here." Sigyn decreed guiding them all to the exit and trying to push me along with them. "Wait, I have to lift her." I appealed and she relented allowing me to stay but she still shut the door on the rest of them. "Alright arms up," she demanded walking back towards (name), "I can't do that, that's weird." (Name) directed her eyes up towards me and back to Sigyn, "Hmpf, fine Prince Thor will you be ever so kind to pick her up." Sigyn said in an over exaggerated sweet tone that resulted in a smirk from (name). I nodded making a bee-line towards (name) the main goal was to get in and get out as soon as possible. I lifted (name) bridal style she was so light and thin that I wanted to kick myself for not making her eat more. Two months with hardly any food you would imagine she would have asked for even more food instead of hardly eating anything. I walked through the large archway of the bathroom trying to figure out the best way to set her in the basin safely. Sigyn was step for step behind me and (name) obviously overseeing the care of her, "Put her in gently don't just plop her in." I rolled my eyes but thankfully she did not see that (name) however was very amused by Sigyn's use of the word plop. I started to place her in the bath as slowly as I could until she was fully in the water, "Thank you!" she said looking at me warmly, her white nightgown had clung to her body with the help of the water giving me a very clear detailed outline and view of her breasts. I turned away abruptly as not to offend her or her honor and because that was not something my eyes should behold. She did not seem to take notice but Sigyn most certainly did in comparison, "I will return in two hours' time," I regarded Sigyn approaching the door back out into the halls, "Make it three!" she called out to me before I left the room completely.


	13. The Shame

**\- Sigyn's Pov -**

As soon as Thor was out of the room she slid further down into the water letting her head be submerged in it as well. I dragged the stool to the vanity over so I could sit and watched her come up gasping for air. She didn't look like what I expected the healers did a good job tidying her up and healing her scars. Her bruises were still there, her smiles were still fake, and she still looked miserable so not much had changed. "Arms up, "I demanded once again, "you don't have to help," she started, "I'm a big girl." I bit the inside of my cheek matching her eyes with mine, After what happened between Loki and me I was walking on thin ice everywhere I practically had to beg for a place to stay in the servant's quarters and a job to hold. The queen took pity on me and relented but ever since she died the hatred towards me returned on all fronts Odin, Loki, even Thor maybe that's why I took so keenly to (name). She had been the first person to show me kindness in decades and that's only because she didn't know who I was. I can truly say I loved her, whenever I was not in her presence she lingered on my mind daily, haunting my waking thoughts, I can see why Loki was interested in her she is quite addictive. Yet she mistook my friendship for pity, "what do you mean?" I asked testing the waters to see what she would say. "I don't know it's just strange to have someone help me take a bath. It makes me feel like a child who can't do anything for herself," she explained slouching down."Ok, you mind yourself, I shall hand you whatever you need and we can just stay in here and talk for three hours. "Her jaw dropped leaving funny expression on her face, "hold, on let me fix this a room divider." my heels click on the marble floors as I started to close the room divider giving her some much-needed space. I let my gaze wander to the grand mirror hanging on a wall, between me and (name) she was better groomed. Perhaps that was another one of the reasons she was preferred over me in Loki's eyes, my fiery hair always did what it wanted and I was never interested in perfumes and other feminine luxuries. "(Name),"I called timidly, "Can I ask something of you?" I heard a wet thud come from behind the divider, her gown I presumed. "Sure what is it?" she responded back, "have you ever... questioned Loki's fatefulness?" my question was met with water splashing and a thin voice, "Why do you ask?" "We grew up together and I have seen him take many lovers over the decades. I wonder if he has changed more from when we were young." I heard faint sounds of brushing come from her side of the room I feared I had made her uncomfortable with my constant questions. "There have been...there have been times when I smelled another woman's scent on him or saw hickeys err... love bites that I didn't give. I've washed lipstick stains out of the collars on his shirts a few times." I frowned sympathetically, I remembered the feeling she was unknowingly describing. The feeling that you never were or would be enough to satisfy him even though his loyalty is all you wanted. "Yet you stayed, why?" I pushed a little more wanting to see how alike we were. "I don't know it's like... have you ever given up so much for someone where it's like you have to follow them till the end. Sometimes it feels like I'm in too deep now and I just have to keep going or I'm going to be left behind in a dark place. I love him, I do but it costs so much to do that and I've never been this exhausted of life in my life." The room fell so quiet only the sounds of water could be heard; it was hard not to feel sadness for her. I had tried to hate her ever since I heard Loki had taken a whore from Midgard, it was easier to despise her when I hadn't met her. I had even tried when I first spoke to her but the energy she radiated was so enlightening I regret ever thinking poorly of her. If anything I wish she never met Loki even if that meant I never met her, He always took the most beautiful things and tainted them spilling his darkness over their light and then discarding them used, shattered, and worthless. That's what he did to me and look where he left me, in such a sunken deplorable state that if he said he wanted me right now I would eagerly return to him and start the vicious cycle all over again. I sharply exhaled trying to figure out what I wish someone would have voiced to me. "Tell me what he was like when he was younger," she urged filing the silence with her light voice pressing me to form a complete thought. "Loki was always tall and thin and he was quite astute in his studies, he could talk himself out of any punishment imaginable. When we were children every day at noon Sif and I would sit in the garden and Loki would create illusions to tell stories for us. Thor and his friends always teased him for playing with girls but he still did until he decided we were too daft for him. Sif started to train more with Thor to become a warrior but Loki studied with his mother becoming a master of illusions and letting me watch him sometimes. He was more kind and sensitive to others back then but life hardened him turning him cold and callous. He wasn't always evil in fact he-," "Loki isn't evil." she shot back, "he's more troubled than anything but evil is too far, maybe you just don't understand the current Loki like I do." Her tone was deadly sweet which infuriated me more than if she would have said it cruelly. "Yeah, maybe." I grumbled under my breath, I wanted to burst her bubble just enough so she can admit the reality. "Has he ever hit you?" I turned around my back to the mirror to sit on the bathroom counter and look at the wall. She didn't answer me for a great length of time,"I went too far, I apologize we can discuss a different subject." "Can you please hand me some shampoo?" was all I got in return, "yes, of course." I hopped off the counter examining the bottles and grabbing the one that seemed to be what she requested. I stretched my hand to give it to her without going behind the divider, once I felt her hold it I left to sit back down. For the remainder of the next few hours, she sang to herself often politely asking me for things but mostly just speaking to herself and focusing on the task at hand. I was in a dull lull rolling a brush around in my hands silently and suddenly an outburst of laughter rang from behind the divider. "What happened?" I spoke somewhat alarmed but much more interested, her incoherent words were stifled by the infectious laughter. "I... DIDN'T... PLAN... THIS...RIGHT." finally came through with more snickers. "Plan what exactly?" "How will Thor get me out without," She cut herself off with a few chuckles. "This is why I hate myself," she mumbled lowering her tone, "There must be a reasonable solution, do you mind if I intruded for a moment?" a giggly voice spoke out approval to my request so I advanced to her side of the room. She was sitting up with her arms over her chest defensively; her (h/l) (h/c) was wet but thoroughly combed and brushed. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment but I did not wish to acknowledge it. "This is what we are going to attempt, I am going to lift you up on the edge of the bath, wrap a towel around you and then get Thor to transport you to your room so you can get dressed properly." she seemed to be on board but only jerking her head, I approached the situation from behind very forcefully yanking her up. I felt her squirming in discomfort but I did not know any other way this was to work she did, however, try to help best she could. Once she was sitting on the edge of the tub I handed her a towel and waited until she said it was around her. I wrapped her wet hair up inside a smaller towel and looked at her thinking. "Hold on I think we could just lift the nightgown over your head now, would that be better?" her whole face was relieved and she spoke, "Yes much better." "What is your stance on underwear?" I felt the need to ask but did so regretfully, "I'm very much pro underwear, and layers would be nice." I stepped from the bathroom pulling two separate underwear pieces and a slip with a white nightgown. I returned handing her the clothes expecting her to dress as I stood by the door. "Sigyn," she said calling out to me, "are you done already?" I replied, "Yes but, yes to both questions." she said in a timid fashion, "what do you mean both questions?" that instant a hard and fast knock rapped on the door, "Lady Sigyn, Lady (name), how are you both faring?"

 _No, he couldn't be back so soon I had to retrieve an answer before he came and pushed me back out of her life even if it was a vague one._


	14. I'm Fine

**-Your Pov-**

Deep down you knew you shouldn't have mentioned anything about Loki to Sigyn, you could have just kept ignoring her question and she wouldn't have asked again. It was nice that she cared enough to ask, hopefully, it could've made you care more. It didn't though it just made her worry; everything you do makes someone worry about you. It didn't take much to notice how carefully they choose their words around you fearing it would push you over the edge if they didn't. Little did they know you were already over the edge, it didn't matter what they said or how they treated you. You could hear her heels tapping loudly coming towards the bathroom her mind probably filled with more questions to ask. You didn't bother to try thinking up a half-assed explanation for what you said; you decided to just tell her the truth. "One moment Thor!" she yelled letting all her attention be directed at you. "It's not what you think," you managed to say it like you cared what she thought but that didn't seem good enough. "How is it not what I think? You just said something serious I will not take it lightly." You shook your hair out of the towel and ran your fingers through it roughly. "They were accidents except for one time, he said he wouldn't do it again and he hasn't," She didn't look any more convinced then she did before. "Examples now," she ordered sternly crossing her arms over her chest harshly. "Of what exactly?" You didn't mean for it to sound so condescending but everything you say always comes out wrong. "Give me an example of the one time he purposely hit you and how it's different from the so-called accidents?" "Sure," you said in the form of a sigh the faster you got this over with the faster you could sleep. "We had got into an argument about nothing in particular and he got frustrated... I don't know what else to say. I started crying he felt awful and he said he would never do it again, and then he made it up to me. Uhh, the accidents are just when he underestimates his own strength or forgets I'm not a God or an Asgardian and I can't handle most things." Your voice was flat but you managed to lighten it up a bit before you finished the sentence. "Stop letting him get away with what he puts you through." Three more hard knocks came from Thor "Is everything alright?" Sigyn looked behind her for an instant and ignored his question. "(Name)," she said grasping your face in both her hands," promise me something and I swear to you we will never have to speak of this again." "Sure, whatever," you said knowing she would bring it up again, She didn't truly care about you, she was just doing her job and you understood that. You didn't want anyone to care about you if you didn't care about yourself, it just made you look more and more unstable. "Write a letter to him an angry letter about how he made you feel and acknowledge the fact of what happened down there. He never has to read it no one does just write it for yourself to get a grip." she added, "It wasn't that bad Sigyn, I'm still alive aren't I?" you spoke in a nonchalant voice, "Just do it, tonight preferably," you forced a smile, "Okay, I promise." She looked at you a few more seconds searching your face for any sign of doubt but couldn't find any, "You can come in Thor," she bellowed. His footsteps were pounding on the floor towards you but he looked calm when he had finally reached you, "You look... very well," was all he could get out with a content smile. "Thanks," you returned allowing him to lift you up, God you couldn't wait until you had full movement of your legs again. He set you down on the bed allowing you to get back under the covers and propped up against some pillows. They stepped out of the room together to talk about you without being in your presence apparently. You patted your hand around the white plush wave shaped sheets looking for your leather book if you were going to write anything tonight it would be put in there. Finally, you spotted it on the far side of the bed and had to reach to get it in your palm. You started to turn to the first page already knowing what would greet you but it still made you slightly crack a smile every time you looked at it. Once you reached the page your eyes scrolled up to the upper right-hand corner of the distressed brown paper to see a small note saying _Dream of me - Loki._ The day you got the notebook he decided to take it upon himself to write the first words inside of it without you knowing. His handwriting was way more neat and elegant than yours so everything you wrote after that looked like a child's scribbles but you didn't mind. Really you didn't even know if you had it in you to write what Sigyn wanted you to, sure you kept your emotions bottled up but what could you say? Dear Loki, I'm mildly suicidal, actually dying and hate everything about myself its fine though because I care about you. As passive-aggressive as that was you would rather continue being numb to all feelings even anger, it wouldn't help to be pissed at him it wouldn't change what happened. Thor strutted back into your room and hopped down inside an armchair gleefully pulling a blanket over himself. Of course, he had to stay in the room with you because being alone was too risky of a thought. You sat there and watched him pull a book from the drawer beside him and start reading it intently, "You like you read?" you gasped in awe, "It is not my favorite pass time I would much rather be read to," he hinted looking at you with a goofy grin. You didn't believe Thor had invaded your privacy and read your book while it was in his possession but it was clear he wanted to know what was in it. "There's nothing that would interest you in this just letters and dumb paragraphs about my day or notes about things. "I enjoy hearing your thoughts," he admitted, it wouldn't hurt to read him a few things so you could procrastinate writing longer. You tilted your head imploring him to come and sit with you on the bed so you could read to him. He smiled brightly and took three large steps before launching himself on the bed flopping beside you. "What tale shall you tell me today?" His eyes gleamed with excitement and he looked at you grinning from ear to ear. He was only doing it to cheer you up so you smiled back at him; He missed the sadness in your eyes because he saw the smile on your face.

 _You could fake it a little longer._


	15. Crying Helps

**-Your Pov-**

You had told Thor three random stories or thoughts you had written down in your notebook, he listened to every single one without interrupting. Just as you were about to find another one he spoke, "Sigyn said you were planning to write tonight, I don't want you to feel forced to read to me." His smile was so pure you couldn't be mad he reminded you of the writing; you decided to write without reading it until you couldn't write anymore. "Yeah, I should get to it." he smiled at you and picked back up his own book. You looked at him for a moment and turned your attention back to the book in your hands choosing to find one of Loki's letters to write beside. You found one sooner than you expected the only thing you had to do now was suck it up and write. There was a pencil beside you waiting to be used no matter what you wouldn't let this bother you. _It means nothing anything you wrote meant nothing,_ you got yourself into the mindset and went to work.

 **-Letter-**

 _Sigyn suggested I write this to you. Something you'll never read or even know about, things I wouldn't say to you for fear of hurting you. So here I go writing against my will about something that doesn't even matter anymore._

 _You lied, I know lots of people would say it's my fault for trusting you in the first place but I did I really did. I trusted your warmth and lying lips I believed all the times you whispered promises in my ear. You always prided yourself on never having lied to me but can you really say that anymore? You swore no other men would ever touch me again; you promised no one would ever hurt me in your care but you did you're the one that makes me feel so much pain. The guards were manageable and all your enemies hating me were fine as long as I felt that I was on your team. You told me you would always be there when I needed you but where were you when I was lying on the floor of that cell? Where were you when those guards were taking advantage of me what felt like every day? I've never needed you so badly in my entire life and you weren't there for me. In hindsight, you were being tortured just as much as I was you couldn't reach me if you wanted to. But God you could have kept me out of that position if you really wanted to, I can't count how many times I've begged you not to leave. I know whenever you do you get in trouble with someone or something, I beg you not to do anything stupid constantly. Just let me fucking love you why is that not enough for you? It's either you finding trouble in the arms of another woman or just trouble in general, I've asked you to control your destructive urges or just do a better job of hiding it from me. How horrible is it to have to wonder are you even being faithful or are you just doing a better job at hiding it? Loving you hurts so much but at least before I've felt your love, right now I'd rather just sleep and never wake up. I just want to be able to depend on you but maybe that's just not possible, I'm scared and I'm sad, I'm hurt and I'm angry, I need you right now to fix it if that's even possible._

You finished writing not even remembering what you wrote it was like someone else took control and you were just getting back to reality. Thor was still reading beside you and to be honest it did feel like a weight was lifted off of you. You didn't want to read it but you felt the need to see how you felt, you had let so much numbness seep through that you didn't feel anything. You wanted to feel something other than a mixture of nothing and shame like you're the one who messed up. You were halfway through the paragraph and it hit you like a bus you could feel tears welling up in your eyes and your hands shook tremendously. _It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything,_ you tried to recite in your head but that only made tears come out faster. You weren't much of a crier even in the cells you didn't cry unless it just hurt so bad the only thing you could do was cry. You brought your shaky hand to cover the whimpers that were exiting your mouth, this shattered your "it doesn't matter statement," to bits forcing you to acknowledge that you were hurt and it did happen. You didn't want to feel like this anymore you wanted to be okay, you couldn't hold the sounds back any longer and a loud sob escaped. It was the type of crying where you couldn't catch your breath and you kept sniffling and crying at the same time. "(Name) what's wrong," Thor said in an alarmed voice tossing his book to the side, you didn't have an answer you didn't really know why but you were crying. You scooted over to him and let him wrap his arms around you embracing him and his smell. "Shh, I'm here it's okay no one will ever hurt you again, I've got you," he mumbled pressing his lipsonto the top of your head. "Crying helps, let it all out, I won't let you go," Though the tears didn't stop and you were sure his shirt would be soaked, his words made you feel taken care of. Thor, in general, made you feel safe no matter what so you let go of the last remaining grip you had on your emotions and just cried into him.

 **-Notes: AHHH I'm so dang proud of this chapter I don't even know why but I'm just so happy. My two-day hiatus from broken souls really helped me come back fresh and excited. I had the vision but had no idea how I could execute it and if I had written this yesterday I doubt it would be this emotion-filled. A lot of you guys are really feeling connected to reader and I'm happy about that, Loki won't always be the bad guy (he is having his own internal conflict anyway while reader is trying to get over hers) in fact when reader finally gets to see him. GAH you'll just have to wait and see but I'm super excited for when I get to that, to answer a question before someone asks no Loki is not actively cheating on reader he is a (in his own words) puny God and lets his destructive desires take over but he is a man of his word when it comes to reader (or at least tries his hardest to be) and never wishes to hurt her in any way. -Eira**


	16. Happiness?

**-Thor's Pov-last night-**

She finally had fallen asleep on my lap after a long tiring hour of crying aloud. I never understood why she was crying but I didn't want her to cry anymore. She deserved all the happiness this universe has to offer and Loki would not be the one to give it to her. The only thing he could do for others is trick them into believing he cared when really Loki is always going to be Loki's number one priority. _What did Sigyn ask her to write that made her so dismayed?_ She was writing peacefully and then all at once she was seeking me for comfort. Whatever had happened that book had the cause somewhere inside of it. I still had not learned what they did to her down there regularly and maybe if I read what she had written I could get a better understanding. I looked down at her sleeping form and tucked some stray hairs behind her ear; this was the most at rest she has looked this entire day.

 _She would never know if I just read one page._

 **-Your Pov-**

You woke up to an empty bed and no sign of Thor anywhere, it actually made you feel more relieved. After that embarrassing night, you wanted to be alone for a bit to deal with yourself. You sat up stretching into the bed; you had to admit sleep after crying that much was refreshing. While you stretched you noticed most of the feeling in your legs had returned to you overnight. "Yes! Finally," you cheered pushing back the covers so you could stand up. Your legs were shaky and you had to grab onto one of the bed's golden arches for stability but at least you were standing. All at once a feeling of nausea flushed over you making you gag into the palm of your hand. "I can never catch a break can I?" you moaned to yourself depending on the wall to help you make it to the bathroom. Once you finally reached your destination you pushed the door closed best you could without letting go of the countertop or your stomach. The nausea was probably because you didn't eat enough yesterday yet you had eaten enough for your body to reject it this morning. Once you got a hold of yourself and stopped expelling your stomach contents you splashed some water on your face and finally looked into the mirror. This was the first time you actually saw yourself since you woke up and it was a disappointing sight. You just looked awful in general Even though you looked cleaner than before your face disgusted you. There was nothing you liked about it or your body for that matter; this had to be the most undesirable you've ever felt in your life. You ripped your eyes away from the mirror and started pulling out drawers trying to find something similar to a toothbrush and toothpaste to get rid of the gross taste in your mouth. You found some type of green paste that smelled minty and something similar to a toothbrush which was good enough for you. It did leave a better taste in your mouth than what was there previously. "(Name)," You heard Thor's booming voice call your name, "Coming, hold on," you replied. You pushed yourself up and stumbled to open the door, he was standing with his back to you and arms crossed. You took a big step but it was more than you could handle so you fell landing on the floor inches behind Thor. He turned around and looked down at you worry filled his blue eyes. "Oops," you let out with a little half smile taking Thor's hand and letting him pull you up. "I'm still working on the whole walking thing," You explained holding onto his arm for stability, He nodded but it seemed like his mind was elsewhere. "Would you like to eat breakfast in the gardens today?" He asked looking directly at the window, "Could I see Loki today?" He shook his head and looked down at you, "Allfather would not allow it." "We don't have to tell," You said hopeful Thor would say yes, "I will not allow it either." Thor's tone of voice was more callous than you were used to, it hurt a lot more than it should have. "Oh, okay you said sadly not wanting to make him any angrier with you. "It would be fun to eat in the garden today but I don't know if I can walk that long." "You can hold on to me and if you tire I will carry you," he confirmed tonelessly. "Would you like sometime alone to change? "You bowed your head indicating you would to he helped to walk to the large closet and then exited the room. In the wardrobe everything was so elaborate and dressy, half of it you had no idea how to put it on. You settled for a plain green dress and a leather belt since it seemed to be the most comfortable thing in this entire room. For shoes you opted for sandals and you braided you hair to the best of your abilities. You should have asked Sigyn last night to braid it since her braids were always so pretty, much better than ones you could do. Thor was quite different than he was last night; he couldn't handle your emotional state either apparently. That's why you had already decided to keep things to yourself; last night was a mistake that would never happen again. It might have helped for a few hours but you didn't feel any better than you felt yesterday, the same emptiness was there so all the crying proved to be stupid after all. Once you were dressed you made your way across the room and pushed open the door leading to the balcony. The fresh air felt amazing on your skin leaving a trail of goosebumps all over. You wanted more of this sense of freedom and excitement so you got closer to the ledge standing on your tippy-toes. You climbed on the ledge and sat down before you lost your footing. The sunlight was warm against your skin so much so you leaned more towards it swinging your legs slowly. Strong arms wrapped around your waist and a chin rested on your shoulders suddenly. "I apologize for being so brash earlier I had to take care of some duties this morning and my frustration translated back to you." Thor spoke into your ear softly, "its fine, and I'm not going to jump if that's what you're worried about." Thor didn't let go of you or move his head instead he kept talking, "Why were you crying last night?" he mumbled into your shoulder blade, " I don't know, Nothing's wrong but nothing's right either I just need something good to happen for once." Thor sighed in your ear, "Tell me what would make you happy and I won't stop until I get it," You let yourself lean back into him thinking of a request. Sure you wanted to see Loki but would that really make you happy or just more depressed, would anything make you happy anymore? "Eating with you in the garden would make me happy," it was the easy answer and the only thing you could think of. You did want to smell the flowers and feel the grass under your feet to remind you, you were alive. Plus Thor was good company and you did ask him not to leave your side now you have to stick by that choice. He plucked you off the ledge and took your hand in his, "let us go then," he beamed placing your hand on his arm for support.

 _Yeah, this could make you happy._

 **Notes: This Chapter might be uneventful but I think it's a nice neutral for what's happening in upcoming chapters. Plus Some grumpy Thor and reader was bound to happen sometime in this story. Luckily Thor can't stay grumpy at reader for long. :P - Eira**


	17. Happy Feelings

- **-Your Pov-**

You looked up at Thor who seemed to be deep in thought just as he had been earlier, you didn't want to disturb him but you were curious. "Thor," you called in a small voice waiting for him to respond, "hm?" He replied perking his head up slightly, "Who made you grumpy this morning... was it me?" he frowned and patted his hand on yours that was lopped around his arm, "You could never anger me (name) though I did have to deal with one maniac and two idiots. You had never seen or heard Thor speak with this intensity before so you didn't press more on the subject. "How long have you been awake, my apologies for leaving while you were sleeping but I did not wish to wake you so early. " you smiled feeling grateful he didn't wake you up, " I wasn't awake long before you came and it's fine I understand you had things to do." he looked at you for a little while and then looked straight ahead, "have you ever been in the gardens before? He asked, "I have seen it from windows but not in person." Soon some giggles traveled down the hall from the direction you were walking to, call it whatever you want paranoia, anxiety, Even fear but you really didn't want to interact with anyone else. The thought of speaking to or being noticed by anyone other than Thor or Sigyn made you wildly uncomfortable. You scooted closer to Thor and tightened the hold you had on his arm trying to make yourself as small as possible for the upcoming situation. Sif appeared with two other apparent female warriors, you silently prayed she would ignore you and Thor both but it was stupid to think she would. "Thor!" she said excitedly while she said your name less enthusiastically, Sif had told you she didn't respect you for caring for Loki but she would not be harsh to you for no reason the first time you met her. You never thought you were friends but you hadn't seen her for a while until this very moment, you gave her a wave and looked down at your feet wanting to disappear. "Where are you both off to today?" she asked motioning the other girls to go on without her, "To the gardens for breakfast, did you just return from training?" Thor asked her letting her walk besides him, " sure did but I skipped breakfast mind if I join you both?" you didn't look up at her and expected Thor to answer her but when he didn't your head rose to see them both looking at you, "erm, sorry what did you say?" You stammered out writhing under their gaze, "Do you mind if I eat with you both?" She repeated, "Oh...ah... no, no I don't mind." You mumbled looking down again yet you could still feel their eyes on you.

They spoke to each other conversing over your head and walking faster than previously, you weren't really paying attention to what they were saying instead you continued to focus mainly on walking and not having a panic attack. Once you did look up you were standing face to face with the most beautiful garden you had ever seen, there were wild peacocks running around and flowers you had never seen before. Trees that held golden apples and a stone trails that ran all over the landscape while in the distance you could faintly hear rushing water, "My mother planted most of it herself." Thor said letting you take it all in, "it's... wow," was all you could say as you let go of Thor and walked into the grass. You only met Frigga once while she was alive and she was lovely, elegant and very intimidating. The only thing she had said to you in her own words was that Loki is very stubborn and foolish but deep down he is a sweet boy so you should stay by his side. At that time Loki refused to claim you as anything more than a "female friend" even though he was the one that sought you out and brought you to Asgard. Odin was never pleased with you but Frigga was much more welcoming and encouraging so after she died everything changed. Loki was so hurt he didn't bother to try and hide it from you, It was the closest you had even been with one another and it had been the first time you had ever seen the real him. Once he started getting better he vowed to marry you but until then you would always have his heart so to symbolize that he bought you a ring with his name engraved on the inside of it. You missed him... you missed that Loki; you bent down and took off your sandals pushing them to the side. The grass was soft and cool under your feet it made you smile to yourself, "(Name)," Sif called out to you, "hm?" you replied not bothering to turn around, "Me and Thor are going to take a quick walk do you mind?" Thor's face however looked confused when you turned to look back at them, "Have fun," you responded walking forward to do your own thing. Their steps receded off somewhere else while you ran your hands on some flowers, for whatever reason just being outside in this space made you think of happy memories. It made you smile but it also made you ache for Loki twice as much as before, you didn't think asking Thor again would be a smart idea so you enjoyed the warm happy feelings you did receive.

 **-Third POV-**

"Is something the matter Sif?" Thor asked impatiently, "Nothing but to be truthful I wanted a moment alone with you." Thor looked around and then back to Sif, "What for?" he questioned her, "For this," Sif laughed pulling Thor down by his collar into a kiss. "Like I said yesterday, I miss you," she mumbled against his lips. Thor and Sif had a needy relationship; it was mostly friendship with the occasional bout of sex when needed. They weren't exclusive or in a relationship at all to put it bluntly it was strictly sex by order of Sif a few years back. "So come on," she remarked tugging on his shirt, "Sif no (name)-," Sif let out a loud groan cutting Thor off. "(name) this (name) that ever since Loki brought her here that's all you talk about _especially_ now. She's fine, you aren't her caretaker that's why we have nurses and healers, I know you want to help her but there's nothing you can do. It's her fault for letting herself be seduced by Loki and expecting he would change his ways for _her_ a mortal. Now stop ignoring your friends and everyone else who cares for you just to babysit this girl." Sif finished her sentence with a cross expression on her face, "Shirt... off... now," she demanded with her arms crossed. Thor clenched his jaw and leaned into her face, "maybe next time," he said before straightening up and walking back in the direction (name) was. "Thor," Sif shouted, He didn't turn around for or even make an expression other than keeping his straight face. As soon as he was out of Sif's eye-line she rolled her eyes in annoyance and started running to catch up with him. "How dare you walk away from me," she said pointing a finger at him when she saw him standing close to some trees. Thor didn't look at her so she followed his eyes to see what he was looking at and to no surprise it was (name). She had picked some flowers and they were all spread out in front of her neatly, her small hands working happily at making what seemed to be flower crowns. she hummed to herself until she noticed them both standing there, "Want one?" she offered picking up one she had already made and out stretching her arm. "I would enjoy that greatly," Thor smiled looking at Sif briefly and strolled towards (name). (name) looked surprised he said yes and placed it on his head it made her beam more than she was before, " Would you like one too Sif?" she asked meekly, "Fine," Sif grunted and approached them both. "how do you make these so quickly lady (Name)," Thor laughed watching her work in deep concentration, " I could teach you." she responded looking at him softly, Sif looked between them both and frowned at the way Thor looked and smiled at her. "I think I have some stuff to do, I promised my guards we would do some archery practice," she said looking for an excuse to leave. "we can continue our conversation later Sif," Thor said sternly looking at her, "well you know where to find me, goodbye (name) enjoy yourselves." Sif remarked but it didn't matter since Thor and (name) were already sucked back into their own little world as she guiding his hands to form the flower crowns.

 _It was for the best she left, it seemed she wasn't who Thor wanted to be around._

 **note: I have been aching to write but for the last three days my PC hasn't been working. I lost all my files, documents, pictures and literally everything else. it was windows 10 but decided to go all the way back to windows 7. I'm trying my best to fix the problem and keep my update schedule but this situation is stressing me out and i'm so dang tired. I wrote this on a friend's laptop so there might be some errors i may have missed. I try my best to proofread but without all my editing software i miss things. I'm going to be taking a break on the 31 through the 16th of the end of this month to the middle of next month. I have some other obligations that won't allow me access to anywhere i can write hopefully i'll have some stuff prepared for when i get back. I go on vacation June 15 through the 22 i don't know if i will write and if i do it will probably be a one-shot. Thanks for understanding and sticking with my story -Eira**


	18. No Longer

p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"Thor had managed to destroy twenty flowers and three attempted flower crowns in about ten minutes. His frustrations grew so you both mutually decided to take a break and eat much to your displeasure. "How is your appetite so big?" you gushed at how politely yet how much Thor was eating, "how do you eat so little?" He retorted pointing at the half eaten piece of bread and the rest of the food you didn't touch. "It's hard to eat I don't know why I just don't have a taste for food," He looked up and frowned, "Should I retrieve a nurse?" You shook your head rapidly, "no, no...No, there's no need for all that," you said really not wanting anymore nurses or healers. "Fine, if you eat this, this and this I won't call anyone," he spoke while pointing to some food. "Okay I guess," since this would be the only way you could convince him you weren't starving yourself. You picked up one of the items he pointed too and trying to eat it but the aroma alone made you gag and put it down. "Do you have an aversion to turkey," "No I actually used to really like it... I don't know why it bothers me now." Thor sighed and looked over the enormous amount of food, "How about this?" he spoke lifting a bowl of pudding. "Everyone likes pudding," he remarked with a laugh, "Yeah pudding could work," technically it wasn't actually em style="box-sizing: border-box;"food food/embut you didn't want to eat anything else. The texture and flavor of the pudding was nice and you managed to eat all of it and then some./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" Thor noticed this and nodded in approval looking overjoyed you were eating something other than bread. "Now try and eat something with meat in it," he said letting you choose what you wanted this time. Since turkey was a no go you opted for ham but that received the same response as the turkey had previously. Thor at this point was growing worried, "maybe it would be for the best if I got someone," you leaned over and grabbed his hand, "no don't, I really feel much better I don't understand the food thing but I promise I'll eat I just have to eat something I like." He was reluctant to agree yet he still caved to your pleading, in the end you ate a small pie with chicken in it and that pleased him greatly. "Are you finished?" "Yeah, I don't think I can eat anymore without forcing myself." Thor approved of the answer and started to clean up and place the remaining food on trays not letting you help at all. "I shall be right back do not move," he demanded," I won't, scouts honor," you smiled and placed a hand over your heart. You watched him jog back to the palace to drop of the remainder of trash and food, you were happy em style="box-sizing: border-box;"genuinely/em happy./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"Happy you had eaten a bite or two more than yesterday, happy you were outside and that you got a chance to make flower crowns but especially happy Thor was so understanding without even knowing why you were always so moody. You doubted the happiness would last very long because it was just yesterday you were talking about suicide and crying shamelessly. There was always something to make you devastated again whether it was memories or your scary inner thoughts telling you to just end it. There would probably be nightmares too eventually you already had lots of them before this happened and now you truly had something to be scared of. You dreaded the nightmares the most because when you had them they were always horrible but they never allowed you to wake up unless someone woke you. Loki always helped with them trying to make you feel better and when they got repetitive and started happening every night he would enter your dreams to make them go away. You currently didn't have that option and Thor can only do so much to comfort you before you become a bother to him./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"Looking over all the flower crowns it made you realize that you should have stopped at ten or fifteen. "Are you ready to return inside?" Thor spoke coming up behind you, "yeah but what are we going to do with all of these?" you said gesturing to the assortment of flower crowns. Thor thought about it for a minute before speaking again, "Give them away I suppose everyone enjoys a flower crown every once and a while. Except the blue one that one is mine," he said giving you a goofy face and holding it protectively." You laughed and shook your head at him, "then I want this one," you said picking up one made with daisies, pink roses, and some boxwood for greenery. He offered his large arms as flower crown holders so you eagerly stacked them on both of his arms, "I feel like tree... a very pretty tree." He declared placing his own crown back on his head, you giggled at how ridiculous he looked walking towards the palace with his arms straight as to not drop anything. "So who exactly do we give them to?" Thor very dramatically turned his head slowly and insisted, "Everyone," before looking back ahead. It didn't take very long before people were just taking one as they passed you both without any words. Mostly women and girls who were working in the castle took them but some male warriors took some too and wore them excitedly./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"There were only five left so you saved a green one for Sigyn, the next time you saw her you wanted to prove to her you were okay and better than yesterday. Thor saved one of the darker ones for Sif and the other three were for the next people he saw that wanted them. Soon enough you saw three men in Armor were taking among themselves near a pillar, Thor must have known them since they eagerly cheered at seeing him. One was really tall with his black hair in a spiky up-do his armor was a dark blue color, the second one was a little shorter than the first with a blond pointy beard and a thin mustache. The third was the shortest with a fiery red beard and a head full of hair to match; un-ironically his armor was red as well./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;""Thor it has been ages my friend," the short one bellowed, the rest of them eagerly agreed speaking over one another. "(Name) meet Volstagg, Fandral, and Hogun," they all looked at you and smiled warmly except for hogun who bowed. "So Thor this must be the fair maiden that has be possessing so much of your time," Fandral winked at you and lifted your hand to kiss it. Thor grunted loudly at him, "Don't worry I would abandon my friends for her as well," Volstagg teased. Fandral straightened up and smirked at you, "May I?" You looked around confused at exactly what he was talking about until he pointed at the five remaining flower crowns in your other hand. "I look dashing in carnations," he beamed, out stretching his hand making you laugh quietly, once you gave Fandral one then all wanted one as well. Volstagg declared his admiration for red roses loudly while Hogun asked politely for any one of them because he had no preference. You were 120% sure they were only requesting them to make you smile except for possibly Volstagg his rant on why red roses are the best flowers was very convincing./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"You honestly hadn't realized that when you requested Thor to stay with you for a while you were depriving all his other friends any time with him. It made you feel demanding and needy so when they four men were wrapped up in a conversation you very quietly sunk away to give them some time together. In hopes of finding Sigyn you wandered around but before long you were hopelessly lost standing in front of the largest door in the whole castle. It was very ornate and gold you couldn't help yourself but push it open to reveal the throne room. It was HUGE as in humongous, there were guards lined up to form a walk way and that disturbed you a bit. Odin was sitting on a golden throne with two ravens on either side of it staring at you directly. "(name)," "Odin," you shot back harsher than intended, "look I know you hate me and stuff I didn't know what was in this room and I wanted to see what it was." you explained walking backwards towards the doors, " I do not dislike you (name)," Odin said letting his voice travel over the room. It pissed you off that he had the nerve- no, the audacity to say some bullshit like that after all he's put you through./p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;""How dare you," you hissed storming up to get closer to his throne but stopping at the first steps. "How dare you say you don't dislike me because we both know that's a goddamn lie? If you didn't dislike me then why have you been berating me with insults since I've got here? Why have you never EVER had one nice thing to say about me? But aside from that you literally put me in a dungeon or some shit for god knows how long ordering people to literally starve me, beat me, and rape me. But yeah you totally don't hate me," you shouted at him but he didn't even flinch, "I did not order all of which you say." He spoke gruffly, "Wow... do you want a sticker? Because what good does that do me now hm? They still did, I still bled and you still sat here all high and mighty so why does it matter now."/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"He didn't answer for what seemed to be a long time in your mind but in reality it was probably just a few seconds. He stood and walked down the steps to you in an excruciatingly slow pace when he did reach you he stood in front of you calmly. "My apologies, I should not have persecuted you for my son's crimes... it was not honorable at all. I saw you as a tool to hurt him with instead of a person and I cannot expect you to be any less than furious. It is not that I dislike you (name) I am tough on you because I understand you can handle it. Though I did go against my better judgement and subject you to an emotional torture even I cannot comprehend I have faith in you that you will come back stronger. You remind me a lot like my late wife Frigga you have her spirit in you, my son has already crushed that spirit once by indirectly killing her. I will not allow him to destroy you as well, depend on those around you that have your best interest at heart. My ravens tell me my eldest son is quite fixated on you and your well-being so trust in him and Loki's previous wife."/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;""Wait... previous wife." you stated more than asked and dropped what you were holding in your hands. Odin's face had a grave expression on it, "You did not know? It is not my news to tell." he ultimately decided moving back up the stairs to sit. "Sigyn... are you talking about Sigyn?" Odin sat and frowned down at you sympathetically and slowly nodded not answering you with words. You didn't have a choice smile and laugh, or break and fall apart again... you're still trying to pick up all the pieces as of right now you couldn't break again or you'd never be okay . You laughed trying to breathe regularly and remain calm, " Ah well lucky her, I'm stuck with him now," you forced a smile and bowed your head at Odin. "Thanks, you're not as terrible as I thought you were I accept your apology. Do you think I could be able to see Loki?" there was a wildly different reason you wanted to see him now than there was before not a positive one at that. "That is up to Thor not I if he thinks it is in your best interest and wellbeing I am positive he will allow you to." There's that word again em style="box-sizing: border-box;"allow/em, you weren't a child who needed a guardian to decide what you can do on your own, to allow you privileges for good behavior. No longer will you let yourself be coddled and fawned over, youem style="box-sizing: border-box;" would/em go see Loki regardless of what Thor or Sigyn and anyone else you thought were your friends had to say about it./p  
p class="" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" /p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0in 0in 24px; line-height: 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; color: #555555;"em style="box-sizing: border-box;""Okay,"/em/p 


	19. Breakdown

**-Your Pov-**

 **WARNING THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SUICIDAL DISCUSSION AND THOUGHTS**

You slowly walked back towards the entrance knowing Odin was watching you and you didn't want to seem panicked. As soon as the door closed you slumped forward feeling sick, the room was spinning so you grabbed onto the wall. You couldn't remember which direction you had come from and where exactly you intended on going from here. You looked up trying to blink away all the tears that clouded your vision so you could see exactly where you were at this point. _Guards_ three of them were walking towards you, every guard looked the same to you, same uniform, same helmet, and same hardened facial features. You turned blindly deciding to go in the other direction before you passed out but that only made you run into someone and fall. You looked up at who you ran into and it was another guard offering his hand to help you back up.

Six guards in total were surrounding you and panic set in promptly, you scooted away using the palms of your hands until your back hit the wall. Curling up and burying your head into your knees trying to remember to breathe, your hands started grasping at you hair. Their steps got closer that only scared you more, "go away, please go away," were the only words you could let out in a throaty sob. They were speaking but your words overtook theirs when you started screaming for them to leave you alone. A hand rested on your shoulder you didn't know whose it was but it only made you scream louder, "DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME." You were crying into your knees more so out of panic than sadness, you should have known your good mood wouldn't last it... never did.

A familiar voice shouted over your own, "(NAME) it is I Sif okay? Calm down it is my hand." It was reassuring but you still didn't want anyone to touch you, "Please stop touching me," she moved her hand and sighed. "They're just trying to report to their post and do their job." You raised your head and everyone was still there looking at you and your teary eyed mess of a face. Sif looked annoyed at you and your antics, "Can you make them leave?" you asked with your voice breaking through your sobs. " it is their job to be here right now, did any of them do anything?" you shook your head and lowered it back into your knees, "I'm scared," she squatted down in front of you her annoyed tone replaced with a nicer one.

"What are you scared of? I can make them go away if it will make you feel better." you looked up again focusing on her face, "why won't it stop... make it stop... please," her face got serious and she glared at the guards behind her to leave. "Do you want me to get Thor? I don't know how to help you I really want to but I don't think I'm the best person for this." This was the nicest she had ever talked to you before most likely only because you were having a mental breakdown. You weren't trying to be dramatic or bother anyone, every time you closed your eyes it was like you were back there. Every thought, feeling, memory, touch and voice flooded in your mind and wouldn't leave. You had been successful in blocking it all up till this point and you just wanted it to go back to when you choose not to remember. You wanted it to stop all of it no matter what you would have to do... "No, don't get Thor I'm fine I just want to be alone."

Sif's eyebrows furrowed, "I do not think that's a good idea, do you want to talk about it? What would Thor do to make you feel better?" It was a good question but you didn't know the answer either, "Talking makes it real," she sat down completely in front of you crossing her legs. "I can't help if I don't know how you are feeling, is it about Loki... do you want to see him? I can take you to him if it will make you stop crying." Her words made your eyes widen, "Really?" she nodded giving you a small smile. You let go of your hair and your hands were shaking involuntarily, you stood but almost collapsed since your legs were shaking just as much as your hands. "Are you sure you are okay?" she asked watching you struggle, "No I'm not alright, but it was just a little panic attack... can I still see him?" She sighed and nodded, "I do not break promises, and we just have to walk a little bit to get there. Will you be able to make it?" Your determination was far greater than how your body screamed to sit more in less distressed position, "Yeah its cool." you shrugged straightening up your back and waking more casually.

"I believe I owe you an apology," she sighed breaking the silence, "What for?" "I don't know it just feels appropriate, you are more badarse than I originally thought." you wiped your eyes roughly and straightened out your dress, "Crying on the floor because some people walked past me isn't badass at all." She turned so that she was looking at you while she walked, "You have been through a lot and I think I down played that because of my jealousy. I think it is remarkable you are still alive thriving after all you have dealt with." "Not by my choice, I'm tired... I just can't win no matter what I I can't seem to win. When I feel good and things seem brighter and less draining something happens to ruin it. My life in a constant repeat of failure trust me there's nothing to be jealous over, the only reason I'm still dealing with it is because I promised someone I would and not take the easy way out. I swore i wouldn't die but i'm really fucking tired and it's really hard." Sif was at a loss for words so you filled in the uncomfortable silence.

"Can I ask you something and be honest," Sif guided you further down the halls and urged you to continue. "Does everyone know that Sigyn and Loki were married once... even Thor? And if so why did they split." She gushed in surprise at your question, "You did not know? Well I guess that is like Loki not to share something like that with you. Everyone knows but nobody understands why they split, some say it was because Loki had other men and women he was interested in. Others say Sigyn was the whore and ran a brothel so when Loki found out he was furious and left her. My theory is that he did something to her just so unforgivable and she couldn't take it anymore." It wouldn't shock you if that is what happened it sounded like him, you were mad at him really mad but at the same time you still craved him to comfort you. "This is it," Sif remarked pointing to a dark oak door, "There's a magic barrier on his cell that keeps him from exiting but I suppose I can lift it momentarily for you. Just do not tell anyone I did because the All-father would be furious I even might have given him the chance to escape." she said as she opened the door for you, " I won't tell anyone about this I can assure you that." She led you down into the darkness where all your pain stemmed from and it only made you think

 _Maybe this was a bad idea._


End file.
